Despair
by Mahlon J. Gillis

The morning sky is clear, unusual for this part of the country. Off in the distance, the lake drifts into the sky creating a slight hazy connection and the land around me, stretched to the sea, etched in the cold icy frost so common, this time of year. The bench I am sitting on is along a pathway used mostly in the summer months by families; walking together, holding each other, talking of life and living for their love. The walks were filled with joggers lost in their musical overtures, children chasing each other, playing tag or catch with a big colorful ball. I remember the walks we used to take, hand in hand, smile to smile, love to love. Our bond reached into our souls binding us forever. The feeling within our hearts as we held each other lovingly. Words, touches, and thoughts tying us to the reality of our lives.

....Holding her close, my hand brushing along the side of her head, feeling the light softness of her hair, running my hand down her smooth face, supple neck and shoulder, the heat of her flesh sending bolts of passion through my fingertips as they dance over her flesh...

The memory of life and living here is fading into my past, becoming numb and distant. My thighs, long since frozen and stuck to a bench, becoming part of the scenery, stiff and still, the blood cooling slowly as the life slips away. Dead staring eyes, slightly open, feeling the ice form over my eyelids. My breath, much more shallow now, is lost temporarily passing through my mustache and beard, becoming one again with nature as it forms ice crystals admid the stiff dead follicles. Knowing that life will go on, but not wishing it to. Dying over and over again deep inside of me. Eyes blinking once or twice momentarily brings my conscience to attention, only to wish myself away again. Thinking of what went wrong, punishing myself over and over about what happened. Staring into nothingness and being there, becoming one with nothing, slowly freezing to death.

...My other hand extended to her thigh and running up her body, nudging her willingness into me, with slight pressures of my fingers against her trembling body. Tracing up her side and under her shirt, my fingers spread their hot hunger for her. Sliding over the surface of her stomach and up, cupping her breast, feeling it expand slightly at my touch, then teasing more by brushing against the nipple lightly with my thumb, sensing it grow hard and erect...

I met Marcia for the first time at the airport. After several months of writing, we felt that it would be good to actually see each other. I took the time off work and Marcia ordered the tickets, using my credit card numbers. You see, it was cheaper for her to order the tickets, than for me to go through a travel agency. It was because of the currency differences and the exchange rates. She lived in Canada, I in the US. I picked up the tickets at the time of the flight and flew to her. Her pictures were always at my fingertips, I knew what she looked like, but that did not prepare me for the first time I saw her eyes. Walking down the steps to the baggage claim area, I really was not looking for her. I would get my bags and then look for her on the upper level. We had already planned and discussed it this way, so I was not prepared for what happened. Walking along the linoleum tiled floor to my turnstile, thinking about the time, that the plane was late and I needed to hurry, remembering the hustle and bustle of people all around me, especially busy this time of year, due to the holiday season. My eyes glancing around through the crowds of people scurrying like ants with a purpose, hearing loud boistrous laughter, foot falls and heavy walking, the squeaking of baggage rolling by, then our eyes meet... Such beautiful blue eyes piercing my soul. She was about a hundred feet away, looking directly at me, hand over her hat in efforts to keep it in place as she started running to me. The hat, a felt western type, with a small brim, covering her dark hair at the top and allowing the contrast with her fair skin as the rest of her hair flowed to her shoulders....

I could hardly move, taking only a step or two, rivited by her form moving to me.As she pressed her smiling body into mine my hands dropped the book and overnight bag I was holding and returned the embrace. Holding each other for a moment lasting forever and looking into each others eyes. As our lips moved together, my tongue instinctively licked lightly and with the tip, slowly and caressingly over her lips, never finishing, continually prolonging the ecstasy of the moment. Transfixed for a lifetime, the sounds of the airport drift away and all I know is her. Being here with her. Experiencing her, becoming one with her. Becoming her, then being me with her....

....Kissing her neck, my tongue slightly extended preceeding my lips, to taste and explore her softness in my mouth. Taking her flesh in deeper into my mouth, pulling with my lips outwards slightly and letting go. Sucking randomly to increase her pleasure, I feel her neck arch backwards, submitting to me. My nips and tugs grow in strength as they are replaced by tiny bites, using my teeth to hold, pull and release. The smooth curves of her neck move in pulsating rythmn against my lips as her moans escape and fill the room. The soft rythmn of her moans is joined with the movement of her body quivering against mine. My masculinity reaches out for her and is pinned against her by my excitement, and throbbing, feeling my heart pound in unison. We move together in our pleasure and teasing, our skin sliding against each other, holding taut with excitement, releasing our control and giving in. Our reality slipping as we teeter on the edge of the chasm of our passion. Her hands, starting at my hips, move upward, sliding up under my shirt, stroking my stomach, and moving in step with my breathing, getting more and more pronounced. She finds my nipples, while stroking my chest and flicks at them, one in each hand. My moans expel to combine with hers as our bodies dance in ecstacy with each other. Our knees giving out as we meld into the embrace of the softness below us...
As we walked to the car, hand in hand, smiling, loving our togetherness, wanting our lives to be closer, to feel this way always. Stopping over and over again, just to hug and hold each other close, experiencing each other, knowing what we were feeling was real, feeling our hearts race at each touch of the other, our eyes hungry to memorize, ears starving for words...

Kissing her face, nipping over her eyes and cheeks. Licking around her lips, sucking, nipping, tugging. Legs interlocked, still maintaining the soft rythmic pulse that brought us here so quickly. My hand extending down between her molten thighs to share in her moisteness. Her steamy wetness flow onto my fingers covering them with sexy slickness and I spread it on her inner thighs, hips, and waist, coating her. Her spring seemed to never end as her lower body glistened in her essence. My kissing moving down her body, pausing at her supple breasts to lick and roll her nipples against my tongue, to taste and feel them in my mouth, pulling outward on them, then letting go...
The days following were filled with new explorations of each others lives. Meeting her two daughters, age 8 and 10, walking to school with them, sharing their lives. I would read to them each night, tales of wonder and delight. Holding them with Marcia, all spooned together and wrapped up, watching a rented video, constantly stopping it to get a drink, or making a quick run to the bathroom. Laughing and hugging each other, tickling, watching, helping with homework, making lunches and just listening to them tell of their lives. Catching Marcia in the kitchen and helping with the dishes, stealing a kiss and sharing hugs. Trapping her against the wall and teasing her about the coming night. My flight home was a struggling time, not wanting to leave. The pain on Marcia's face was apparent and the tears inside us cried as one. We made plans to see each other again and then disappeared into our old lives, permanently changed....

Soft bites moving down her body, as she runs her hands through my hair, guiding my head down her excited body, wanting and anticipating my movement as I nip and bite down her stomach. Following the musky smell of her essence covering her, drying on her flesh, my tongue reaches out to lick her, running the tip across her hip and along her waist, slowly and methodically cleaning her body. Occasionally pausing and moistening her, then sucking her essence out and biting it out bit by bit. Over her hips, down her thighs, nestling myself between her legs, with her handsholding my head against her, moaning in anticipation. Sucking on her inner thighs, licking her essence out, light gently bites forcing louder moans from her body...

Over the months that followed, I managed to fly up and be with my new family at least once or twice a month, if only for a few days. Marcia and I planned to live closer together and work on ways to reach our own long reaching goals. Soon, I would make the move, leaving my job and all that I knew, to be with Marcia, to share her life on a more permanent basis. Excitement was the menu for our lives then, looking forward for the time of always touching, always being with each other...

Reaching over and spreading her swollen lips and expose her magnificance, filled and spilling her essence. Extending my tongue and slipping it up slowly the length of her, drinking out her essence and letting it run down my throat. Her moans turn to screaming as my tongue finds her throbbing button. Hips buck into my face as she screams out my name and releases over and over again, as my tongue flicks lightly and quick. Feeling her build higher and higher, her hands grip tightly on my hair and start pulling uncontrollably into her. Waiting for the edge, I reach in with my lips and clamp down on her excitement, pulling out, then sucking hard. Squirming against me, unable to hold back any longer, she thrusts furiously into me, releasing her life creating flood. Sliding my tongue down and into her velvetness, extending in deep to find the well of her passion. Thrusting in and out, feeling the inside smoothness of her glove, as she builds again moaning and screaming. Her thighs pressing my face into her deeper, my tongue slips in and out, going slow, then fast, then slow again. Sliding my tongue up slowly up her length, keeping her on edge, not letting her go just yet...

My last trip there started like any other visit. Excitement and anticipation, holding and loving, kissing lasting throughout the night. Arrangements made far ahead for the children to be elsewhere, so that we could have time alone with each other. Caressing each other and holding, together again, being one again...
I pause and let her subside from her ecstacy, feeling her slowly release her grip on me, thighs relaxing. I gently cover her, supporting myself above her. She reaches down to guide my hardness inside her, pulling on me, wanting me so depsperately inside, but, I hold at her silken grasp, only barely inside. Leaning down, I kiss her, licking her lips and sharing the life giving essence with her. Our kisses are deep and long lasting as I barely stroke inside her, just enough to tease and build her pleasure. Deep in our kisses we both moan for each other, our passion building again. Without warning I thrust deep inside her, feeling her back arch up at the feeling. Screaming out and locking her legs around me we start our rythmic pulsating dance again, only harder, deeper, faster. The fire of our love burning hot for each other, we build together, moaning and thrusting together. Like seething volcanoes on the verge of eruption, we look into each others eyes as we explode violently into each other, screaming, contracting and spewing, our bodies locked together...

I remember holding her close and rocking her against me after our sharing and celebrating of life. in a wild ecstacy of love play. With my arms around her, protecting her, being with her, loving her, kissing her softly. Marcia clinging to me and trembling, out of exhaustion and the cooling of her body. I pull the blanket up over us as we share our closeness of being so connected. She shudders as her body convulses and I hold her tight, thinking that she is just recovering with aftershocks rocking her body. When I hear the audible sobs I slowly turn her around to face me, caressing her hair and shoulders as I do. Tears are running down her cheek and she reaches out to touch my face, feeling my beard as she so often loves to do. Her eyes were overflowing with a deep held pain inside, unable to retain it any longer. Looking into her eyes sent a spiritual trembling to my soul. Feelings of anguish froze in my throat, slowly trickling down to my stomach. She started to speak, then faltered, unable to regain composure, the words just tumbled out. "I can't do this anymore." Those words are forever echoing in my head. "I can't allow you to leave your life to be with me. I can't handle the stress of you coming here and leaving your home." I froze momentarily in disbelief, my heart pounding, my ears ringing. Words trying to form in my mouth dissipated forno breath was there to support them. "Why?" My heart screaming into my soul. "Why?" The word would go over and over until only a whimper. "Why...?"

My heart started dying at that moment. We talked for the next few days, sorting out our feelings. Talking of past experiences and wanting to make this time different from our past failures. She told how her last relationship just left without ever telling her. She didn't want that in her life anymore. She didn't want to give herself away again. This was the only way she had to protect herself. No more relationships. Her mind was made up and there was nothing I could do to sway her. I would offer options, different ways to continue, wanting her to know how important this was to me. She would look away and ask me not to discuss it openly around the children. Slowly and very noticeably, she withdrew from me, distancing herself a little more each day. I found myself transfixed, staring at nothing many times, feeling my embodied love for her being ripped from deep inside. I thought of my own past failures and was reminded again that there is no forever. The death of love inside me is more punishment than I could ever invoke on my physical self. Exposed to the judgement of my actions, my vulnerability, my risk, my feelings draining out of me, my emotions becoming numb, devoid of the sparkle I once knew. Fading away, dissipating into the fog of life around me. Plummeting into the darkness, unnoticed, no longer screaming or crying, disappearing from reality, caught in my neverending nightmare.

Dead staring eyes, slightly open, feeling the ice form over my eyelids. Eyes blinking once or twice, momentarily brings my conscience to attention, only to wish myself away again. Thinking of what went wrong, punishing myself over and over of what happened...

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