Sauce*Box 19: Why Should Guys...

Why Should Guys Have
All The Fun?
(Beating Men At Their Own
Game Of Sexual Conquest)
by Cindy X. Novo
A Sauce*Box Book-of-the-Month Excerpt
for complete version, visit: http://cindynovo.8m.com

TONGUE-IN-CHEEK Pickup Manual For Horny Ladies…"

That’s what one lady said about my book. Here are a few typical comments from other readers:

"Outrageous . . . absolutely outrageous. Despite myself, I laughed so much reading this at lunchtime, the woman in the next office thought I was going crazy."

"If I was Cindy’s mother I’d bend her over my knee and spank her . . . well, maybe not. She’d probably enjoy it too much."

"Girls, after you’ve read this book, you’ll never look at men in quite the same way. From now on you’ll be the hunter, and men your prey."

"A humorous guide to seducing men. I don’t know which I liked best, Cindy’s ten Laws of Female Dominance or her oh-so-funny case studies. Not to mention her advice on getting head without giving it. A marvelous book for women on the make."

CHAPTER TWELVE: TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

As a practicing member of Cindy’s Commandos you will learn to recognize that bagging your game is an always less than perfect venture. Mostly, it’s because men are such flawed creatures, mere mortals, subject to a seemingly endless array of defects and shortcomings that complicate your endless quest for sexual satisfaction.

It is therefore incumbent upon you to prepare for the more common types of male malfunctions you're likely to encounter in your hotbed of bliss. You will need to learn how to spot budding problems before they become full-blown disasters, then apply effective and lasting remedies. This chapter will help you understand some of the more common problems and time-tested solutions.

In the interest of scientific precision, the problem analysis-solution protocol shown below starts by soundly defining the problem, describing its associated symptoms, driving to the core of the problem through the application of keen analysis, and finally applying the optimum solution. (Whew!)

Problem: He can't get or keep it up.

Symptoms: Flaccid penis, lassitude, sweating, occasional vomiting.

Analysis of Problem: Obviously you are doing something wrong. You have either failed to apply the appropriate seductive skills during the initial phase of the conquest, or conceivably you're already in the sack and have been riding the pony for so long it's become sore to the touch.

Solution: If it's the former case, sit on his face or consider some other provocative act designed to stimulate his desire. If all the weapons in your arsenal fail to produce the desired result, kick the useless rascal out of bed and reach for an alternate. Assuming the latter case (where you've already been in the saddle), tie him spread eagle to the bedposts until he's well rested, then sit on his face until his pecker gets hard again, re-mount him and ride into the sunset, a happy woman.

Problem: He's good for only one rousing fuck, then collapses, spent and drained.

Symptoms: Pale face, limp dick with friction marks alongside the shaft, twitching toes, severe flatulence, avoids your hard stare.

Analysis of Problem: Assuming your instrument of pleasure has friction marks alongside the shaft of his penis, it's quite obvious this poor guy is totally fucked out. Undoubtedly he's been in the sack recently with another woman, or many such women, and the greedy shit has reached his limit of endurance.

If, however, his dick looks comparatively fresh but he exhibits the other symptoms mentioned above, then strap him to a lie detector and question him closely about his sexual history. Some men are capable of only one coital experience before giving out. Find out if he fits in that category. If he doesn’t and his lousy performance appears to be just a fluke, give him another shot. (You’ll have to admit, I’m a great humanitarian, always considerate of my male serfs.) If not, move to the solution phase below.

Solution: For both cases of non-performance the solution is the same: Unless you’re the type that can get off on a five minute ride, get rid of the useless dickhead fast and move on to the next conquest.

Problem: You've got a case of the galloping hornies and you're in bed with a stud who you're sure can douse the fires. Unfortunately, you've also got your period.

Symptoms: Blood-stained sheets, pungent odor, legs squeezed together to contain the creek’s flow.

Analysis of Problem: Girl, you should have been anticipating this. Your timing sucks.

Solution: If you're the fastidious type, keep your legs clenched, dress, and leave, telling your sexual toy you forgot your shopping date with Aunt Clara. If, on the other hand, a little flow of blood doesn't bother either you or your instrument of pleasure—some men are excited by a woman’s menstrual cycle—ignore it and go about the important business of getting your gun.

This leads directly to the next problem:

Problem: You've got your period and you're flesh-and-blood dildo is squeamish.

Symptoms: He gags, possibly vomits, refuses to go down on you or have anything else to do with your body until your period is well over. Other symptoms may include fainting, uncontrollable shaking, and the sweats. In extreme cases the poor boy dials 911, then runs naked and screaming into the street.

Analysis of Problem: When you first met him, you should have determined just how finicky this dork is. But that’s the past. Your immediate concern is to find some way to keep him stiff and moving his ass for however long it takes you to climax.

Solution: Lie, lie, lie. Tell him in a sincere tone that the product of a woman’s menstrual cycle is both nourishing and natural, that getting a little bit of it on his face or tool will sprout hair on his chest and make his dick grow longer. If you get the gullible jerk to believe it, I mean really believe it, test his ardor by sitting on his face.

Problem: You're in a compromising position with your newest instrument of pleasure when his girlfriend unexpectedly returns to his apartment.

Symptoms: His face turns blue and his penis shrivels and threatens to disappear within his ball sack. The victim may curl into a fetal position and squall like a newborn baby.

Analysis of Problem: The dumb shit thought he was going to pull one over on his girlfriend but got caught in the act.

Solution: His girlfriend and you put your heads together: the two of you corner him and fuck him until his teeth chatter. By the time you gals get through with him there's nothing left of his dick other than a flabby piece of sad-looking skin. (note: This is one of the few times Cindy's Laws can be stretched to accommodate two ladies in bed with one sad-sack lying son of a bitch.)

Problem: You're prowess as a female conqueror knows no bounds. One evening at a grand store opening at the mall you manage to meet and thoroughly intoxicate two young men who immediately want to go to bed with you. The problem is they don't like each other.

Symptoms: Two men with half-hards thinking of serving your pleasure. They may become so excited their eyes roll back in their heads, their eyelids flutter uncontrollably, and they emit grunt-like sounds reminiscent of apes in heat.

Analysis of Problem: You greed is showing. By wanting to bag two men, perhaps for a ménage à trois, you’re in deep shit. You should have checked out their compatibility.

Solution: Establish a competition between the two men. Whoever can make you climax the most will win your hand (and everything else) for a future evening of unadulterated pleasure. Enchant them with the expectation of delights as of yet unimagined. Then, instruct one guy to sit by and count in stentorian tones the number of times you climax, while you’re banging the other guy. After a certain amount of time, say one hour, let the other man have at you while the first now takes his turn counting. Whoever makes you cum the most wins. Thus, you will have added to your repertoire of bullshitting skills while simultaneously cumming your fucking brains out. Good work! Cindy would be proud of your ingenuity.

Problem: You’re in the sack, pounding away, one step from firing off one of the most intense orgasms of your life, when somebody in another room yells fire.

Symptoms: Your instrument of pleasure’s eyes open wide and he starts to bellow for you to dismount. In extreme cases his low-hanging balls will shrivel and almost disappear.

Analysis of Problem: You certainly don’t want to burn to death but neither do you want to miss blowing a heavy load. You correctly reason that you can achieve both goals with a minimum of fuss.

Solution: Obviously your primary objective is to keep your real-life dildo feeling secure; otherwise his dick may shrink to something resembling a peanut, which will substantially interfere with your orgasm. You lean forward and, while continuing to furiously pump up and down his love shaft, whisper in his ear that he didn’t hear right. That guy in the next room who yelled fire was some poor soul who just got fired from his job. Once you’ve calmed your dildo, ride the beast fast and furious until you’ve popped your load, then quickly dismount and get the fuck out of there before the place burns down.

Problem: Your minister has caught you coming on to one of the church’s married parishioners at a Sunday service. You want to bag your quarry but not at the expense of the blabbermouth minister shooting his mouth off to all the ladies at the next church social.

Symptoms: You: Cold feet, hot box, hot temper. Minister: Uptight, righteous, slack pecker, and jealous of the guy you came on to.

Analysis of Problem: Cool down and engage your brain; the whole damn thing’s your fault. You haven’t been careful enough. Recognize that there’s always going to be people around you, both men and women, envious of your sexual success. So while your moves may be overt when it comes to bagging your prey, the rest of the world must think you’re nothing but a prissy repressed old maid.

Solution: It’s too late to prevent your minister from seeing what you’re up to, you dirty-minded wench. But it’s not too late to shut his mouth by giving it something better to chew on. Seduce the talkmonger. The one sure way to gain his silence is to bag him along with your other prey. Granted, he may not have enough in the way of equipment to satisfy you (then again, you never know), but at least you’ll have zipped his mouth shut. Tell him in no uncertain terms you’ll squeal to his frumpy, straight-laced wife if he so much as hints about your sublime pleasures to anybody.

Problem: You’re been engaged in a hot stand-up fuck for sixty long, delicious minutes in the shower stall when your object of desire trips and you both crash to the tiles. Apparently you’ve broken a toe and he’s broken an arm.

Symptoms: Howls of pain, screams, indiscriminate cussing, an aching toe, broken arm, and deflating cock.

Analysis of Problem: You both should have been more careful. What do you think towel bars are made for?

Solution: Call 911, then get up and mount the rascal before he loses his hard-on. If you’re fast enough you can squeeze out a load before the ambulance arrives.

Problem: You’re about to mount your object of passion when you notice a purple spot on the end of his love tool.

Symptoms: Rigid tool, lots of grunting, teeth chattering, sweating, a spot on his tool that looks like it’s filled with pus.

Analysis of Problem: Either he’s so hot the head of his dick is ready to burst, or he’s contacted a case of galloping jungle rot while on a field trip to the Amazon.

Solution: If it’s the former, hop on his stiff member and get your cookie before he explodes. If it’s the latter (galloping crud), climb out of bed, pretend you’ve got a stomach ache, then get the hell away from this germ-carrying spore as fast as your wobbling legs will carry you.

Problem: While you’re on a cock hunt at city hall (yet another place off the beaten path, and one that’s fertile with prospects. We all know how politicians like to get their ashes hauled), the mayor’s wife comes on to you.

Symptoms: A lot of staring at your crotch and breasts, fast, shallow breathing, wet spots in the area of her crotch.

Analysis of Problem: The lady’s got a case of the hots for you; she’s either bisexual or lesbian. Not that it makes any difference; the woman’s got no pole. You do a double-take when she corners you in an empty office and pulls out a well-used strap-on dildo from her large purse.

Solution: Hey look, I’m not a prude. If a lady takes your fancy and she’s able to make you climax, go for it with my blessing. But remember, whether it’s a man or woman you’re cornering, you still must maintain control to assure your maximum pleasure. It’s okay if the lady gets her gun as long as you get yours, too, and more often and more intensely.

Problem: Your current instrument of pleasure has the annoying habit of yelling "Oh shit, I’m cumming" when climaxing. Otherwise he’s a gray lay but you want him to stop this irritating primal scream.

Symptoms: Twitching toes, glassy eyes, stiffened body, gagging reflex

Analysis of Problem: Some guys simply must howl when shooting their loads; it’s in their nature. You don’t mind a grunt or two, but when you’re busy working to a climax you don’t need any distractions.

Solution: You could be mean and pinch his balls when he’s climaxing to teach him a lesson, but if you’re against cruel and unusual punishment, that method is unsuitable. The best way to demonstrate your displeasure is to stuff a clean tampon in his mouth at the critical moment. If that doesn’t do the trick, the next time around make it a used tampon. Works everytime.

Problem: You are on a date with a man you’ve been trying to seduce and, for an unknown reason, he’s reluctant to drop his drawers for you. You consider date rape.

Symptoms: You: a pulsating clit, glassy eyes, trembling of the extremities. Him: stony-eyed stare, arms held protectively in front of his genitals, won’t look you in the eyes.

Analysis of Problem: You misinterpreted the degree of his desire for unfettered fornication during the evaluation phase of the seduction. Shame on you, you careless girl. A stimulated, overactive clit interfered with your normally good judgment.

Solution: No date rape, please. Graduates of Cindy’s Boot Camp do not resort to violence to seduce the objects of their desires. Better to show lack of interest yourself. Sometimes this change of attitude will bring him around. If not, dump the idiot. He’s either gay or stupid, and you have no interest in either.

A Sauce*Box Book-of-the-Month Excerpt
for complete version, visit: http://cindynovo.8m.com

Your critique of this work is appreciated.
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Return to Sauce*Box, Spring 2001