Sauce*Box Winter 1998-99

I Don't Know?
by Yvette

Prelude

Kalie had been treated cruelly, beaten, damned and worse, her whole life. She never felt good enough, and she was blamed for the problems between her parents. It would be many years before she would know she was a constant reminder to her father that he had been made a fool of, betrayed.

He made Kalie pay for his suspicions, and insecurities because he could not reach her mother because the mother was gone...out of touch with reality. To her mother Kalie was the curse for the mother's one pleasurable experience....a token of life's betrayal.

Kalie was a good student, never caused trouble or told anyone what her life was like at home. She didn't understand the forces at work against her until she overheard a conversation where her father called her mother a slut and forced her to confess that Kalie was not his child but that of an Indian jeweler merchant in the neighborhood.

Kalie listened from outside the bedroom door while her mother recounted the story of how she had fucked the jeweler in the back room on his work bench. She taunted her husband with details of what they had done, "...so I went down on him because no one, certainly not you, had ever turned me on like that. I needed to taste him, to know a real man. And when we finally fucked I had four orgasms before he lost it! The things we managed on that work table! I was so satisfied! I had never been fucked like that before or since! Then to top it off, he went down on me and blessed me with another mind blowing orgasm. So, yeah, I fucked someone else and got pregnant, but I also got the best damn sex I have ever had! Having Kalie was a small price to pay..."

The man Kalie had previously thought of as her father was stunned and shamed as he listened in silence. His marriage had been a bigger lie than he could have ever imagined. For the first time ever she felt a connection to her father. She hated her mother, hated herself for being born to her, a part of her.

The next day Kalie left Ohio and moved to Connecticut. She got a job working in a bookstore. Kalie battled bouts of depression and dealt with them by drinking too much and loving too little. She wanted to silence her soul but continue to breathe. Then she met Darren. Since he had entered her life, she was no longer living silently waiting to die. His unconditional love had healed her. He was a perfect reflection. Now she sought to embrace passion, immerse herself and celebrate it. The hedonism of it aroused her.

Monologue

There are times (more than I would like) when I wish I could erase my life
before meeting Darren. Everything before, the way I lived it in my mind, was a lie. I guess I need to explain that, as much to get it clear in my own mind as to help clarify for you. The family , the relationships, I held in my mind as a frame of reference for who I wanted to be in the world, my life was a fabrication. I think mothers bear illegitimate babies believing the loving maternal bond will make them whole and give them a reason to prevail. I didn't know joy, I was too busy creating a family that could make me who I wanted to be, something other than what I was. This is why Darren's love for me transformed my life, it showed me how to love me.

Setting the Scene

At first awareness of the hunger, I began wondering just what I might eat. Then I realized it wasn't for food that I longed. The sensation came intimately within, reflexively clenching my thighs I bolted upwards in my seat. I couldn't bring myself to actually relinquish contact with the hard surface. The slight pressure attained by this sitting position, encouraged me to let the feelings flow through me like waves crashing. I needed satisfaction, both to give and receive. I could hear the even rhythm from across the room. I looked over around the rice paper screen that separated my computer work area from the rest of our terra cotta walled bedroom. No lights lit the room, just 3 large pillar candles on 4ft holder stands. They were placed in a triangle around my work area. An amber glow filled the room, as the fragrance of sandalwood permeated the air. It was a sweet, earthy smell that perfectly meshed with the lighting and the feeling that was welling up somewhere between my soul and my groin.

The Scenario

Kalie wakes Darren by dripping wax from a burning candle onto his slightly
tanned skin, alternating with dripping water from a melting ice cube.

"Can we talk", she whispers near his ear as he lifts his head arching upward.

"About what?" he asks, noticing it is 3:11 AM!

"I am curious about what its like for you when we're together? I want to know what is it about me that turns you on?"

"Why do you get like this?"

"I would just like to know. It would really help me understand you, and I
think it is important towards building intimacy in our relationship."

"Do these questions awaken you at night or is this just an excuse for you to
burn me?" Darren says as he turns over to face her.

Instead of answering Kalie tilts the candle over his nipples. There is a wince as the wax makes contact with his skin; followed by a release just a few increments above a sigh. She traces a path around and over each hot spot with an ice cold tongue that grows warmer as it explores. She makes a pilgrimage downward to entice him into action.

Gently he guides her into position as he lowers his head between her thighs, inhaling her spicy aroma. She wore her own special combinations of essential oils to communicate on a more ethereal level, her spice, her sweetness, and provocative nature. The richness of it seems incommunicable because it captured the nuance of her character and personality. At first he used his tongue to extend his experience of her. The taste and smell of her made him aware of how much she enticed him. It was as if he were an animal responding to her scent. He wanted to devour, ignite, permeate and covet

The not so creamed coffee color of her skin. How many times had he watched her apply Shea butter to maintain the silky smooth warm glow and been enticed to assist?

Everything about Kalie was so true he therefore trusted her to be true to him. She sought only to express herself more fully and truthfully. She has no fear of being vulnerable, of trusting, experiencing pleasure and expressing it. Would it be possible for him not to surrender his heart and soul to her?

Darren blows out the candle and inserts it into her, rotating it as he moves it in and out. He comes back down to tease the folds of near quivering flesh between her legs. As she seems about to explode, nectar pouring, he ascends to enter her slowly. Feeling himself melt into her as he is totally immersed in her most intimate embrace. They are each lost in each other and in the final, yet ever promising, waves of climax. Her body seems to oscillate while his goes rigid and then flaccid as they allow the delight to wash over them.

"So can you tell me now?" Kalie asks as she rolls over, expectantly, to rest her head on his chest.

"I don't know."

* * * * *

Your critique of this work is appreciated.
Please e-mail the author.

Return to Sauce*Box Winter 1998-99